Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”