Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.