me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I’ve had worse
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne