Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
You Might Also Like
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
🍞🦆
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already