Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Has there ever been a more American story?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….