like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
hmm conte-me mais
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this