The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
You Might Also Like
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.