Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]