I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.