Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
They’re really bad with fonts.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?