Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.