If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.