A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
You Might Also Like
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Oh my god
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Posting this on behalf of a friend
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.