When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
finally found a reasonable question
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Expect the unexporcupine.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident