No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
gentlemen, hear me out
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!