No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Meme Monday.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares