I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
No Google it does not
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
This could be us… but you playing
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.