They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Left at a local drug store…
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director