[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right