Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing