When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I would like even faster food.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
had to make it
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
This is sending me to another galaxy
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.