Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
*offers Batman cough drops*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside