Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
You Might Also Like
man i love columbo
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive