Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Meme Monday.
*jazz hands*
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.