Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
#Caturday
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.