My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
You Might Also Like
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Saw your ex at the shops
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready