I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.