Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I hope it’s French Onion!
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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