My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My blood type is b hungry.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times