How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.