Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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i was baptized in a car wash
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.