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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
True
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.