The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
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Worst perfume name ever.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room