Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.