Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.