I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*