*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?