The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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Sticker placement is key.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment