Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
We’ve all been there
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.