Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Those are good neighbors.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.