ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.