wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
don’t be scared
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same