homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh