I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I have never related to a cat more
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.