ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.