When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.