As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)