If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
oh you wanna fight?!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.