People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”