Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
sistine chapel
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
me working on my assignments ^-^
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.